How long does a first session take?

Ten to twenty minutes is enough for one topic. Longer is not better on the first try.

Do we need to be in the same room?

No. Both partners join from their own devices, from the same sofa or different countries.

Getting Started with PairLume: Your First Session

What to do in your first ten minutes on PairLume: create an account, invite your partner, pick a topic, and finish with something you will actually do.

You do not need a plan to start. You need ten minutes, a phone each, and one topic.

1. Create an account

2. Choose solo or together

If your partner is on board, start a couple session and send them the join link or code. If they are not ready, or you want to think first, start a solo session. Neither choice locks you in, and the difference is explained in [solo and couple sessions](/how it works/solo vs couple).

3. Pick one topic

The most common mistake in a first session is bringing everything. Pick the single thing that came up most recently: the chores conversation, the money conversation, the feeling that you are living as flatmates. One topic in ten minutes beats five topics in an hour.

4. Say the smallest true version

Start with what actually happened rather than the pattern you have diagnosed. "You never help" is an argument. "I was cleaning at eleven on Tuesday and I felt alone in it" is a conversation. The guidance will help you get there if you start rough.

5. Finish with one concrete thing

Every session ends with something specific: a task, a time, a sentence one of you will try next week. Write it into the recap. The couples who see change are the ones who come back and check what happened, not the ones who had the most emotional session.

What to do next

Repeat the session weekly at a fixed time. Consistency beats intensity. If a topic keeps returning unchanged after three attempts, [book a professional](/how it works/booking) for that specific thing. If you want structure between sessions, start a course from the [library](/how it works/courses and books).

If your partner will not join

That is common and it is not the end of the road. Use solo sessions to work out what you want to ask for, then ask for one small thing rather than a relationship overhaul. Most reluctant partners join after a request that sounds like a request, not a summons.